5th of june 2020... 1:36am...
go fuck yourself. i can't sleep. withdrawing from antidepressants.
brain teleports. i transcend humanity.
6th of june 2020... 2:15pm...
i don't know who i am.
every time i feel as if i have a grasp on my being, my meaning,
it slips through my fingertips and it fucking enrages me.
i feel as if everything i do is a show, performative.
attention, attention, attention!!!
7th of june 2020... 2:26pm...
homicide and blood.
all i can think about is homicide and blood.
i want to sip her own blood out of her mouth.
i feel as if blood and guts are the closest way to connect to someone;
becoming one with their most intimate parts, their lifesource.
i want to feel power.
i've been thinking about eric a lot recently.
sometimes it scares me how much i identify with his unapologetic rage.
8th of june 2020... 10:28pm...
i feel absolutely nothing yet i feel all-consuming pain at the same time.
i feel so empty, yet i feel as if i carry the burden of the world on my own shoulders.
i find it hard to comprehend those that are happy to mould themselves into societies view of the perfect citizen.
it's all so fucking shallow. you're all sheep.
burn shit. feel fucking alive - for once in your empty fucking lives.
10th of june 2020... 3:05pm...
i feel like i have so much to say, i want to scream it out into the void,
but nothing ever comes out. what is it that i want to say?
it's as if all my thoughts, my anger, my pain, my mourning, all of it is on the tip of my tongue,
and one day it's going to all come spilling out; but not in the way i want.
i'm not going to be able to write it all out eloquently - it's going to be completely nonverbal.
who will i inflict it upon? myself? you?
i guess that's for the world to find out.
11th of june 2020... 12:54pm...
some of you are so utterly pathetic.
you all claim to be self aware, superior, special... but you're the absolute opposite.
you see, i am self aware to the point where i recognise my flaws,
how i perform to a non-existent audience, how my life and my words amount to nothing.
i'm g o i n g t o d i e. i want to die.
i am nothing, yet i am everything all at once.
12th of june 2020... 5:02am...
i fucking hate feeling like this.
feeling used up, less-than, insignificant. maybe it's the vodka, or maybe it's just the truth.
i crave to feel significant again. i crave to spilt somebody open. i crave to sieze their intestines.
i crave to make them feel how i feel right now.
my existence is so fragile; so futile. it's going to crumble into a million pieces if i'm not careful.
i need to inflict all of this onto somebody or else i am going to go fucking insane...
14th of june 2020... 4:06pm...
i find so much comfort in isolation.
the relief of not having to put on a face, my facade of kindness and humour...
the ability to just sit and think for once, to free myself from the mundanities of socializing,
to focus on shit that actually matters to me instead of pretending to fill the role of "conscientious student" to satisfy my peers.
i find so much comfort in mutilating my body, in becoming disgusting, revolting...
18th of june 2020... 2:56pm...
i am so useless. sometimes i perplex myself by how fast i can go from feeling like god to feeling like nothing.
i don't think i'll ever truly feel like god without a gun in my hand.
i cling onto the hope that one day i will experience that power,
but i think the closest i will get is when i finally end myself. i've lost all passion for everything.
i just want to climb into a cosy little hole and seperate myself for the entirety of humanity - being alone makes me feel so fucking safe.
i am my own best company; i resist the urge to distance myself from everyone...
1st of july 2020... 7:42pm...
spent two weeks soaking in the need for isolation.
yet the time i come back to write in this is when i'm in the deepest..
i will always fail. i will never get what i want.
nothing i do will ever be successful. i will never live life how i truly want to live.
i might just give up, fully.
3rd of july 2020... 4:57pm...
everything is corrupt corrupt corrupt. everyone i know is corrupt. everything i think is corrupt.
how can you possibly rid the world of evil when the evil's already sunken in?
perhaps i'm evil. i think i'm evil.
all i have is this fucking awareness that i can't change anything about it,
this gradual acceptance of it,
letting it infiltrate my soul and my mind and my hands and my fingertips drip red with the essence of evil
and everything i touch is evil and it fucking hurts i just want to be innocent again, but in my heart i know i never was.
9th of july 2020... 10:06pm...
day in day out, every single day of this emptiness you call a life is consumed by this fucking ache,
this overwhelming sense of dread that just won't fucking cease.
every day it gets worse and worse, and at this point i don't think i can do anything to stop it.
anything that brings me any ounce of pathetic joy just makes the dread, the anxiety, worse...
i've abandoned all my friends, and in return they've graciously abandoned me, but can i really blame them, when i'm like this?
every waking second is spent waiting for the worst to happen and i just want it all to fucking stop.
12th of july 2020... 10:39pm...
i hate this. this fucking longing to be the only figure in someone's life, to be the only thing that matters,
to be the only thing they need... i know it's wrong. i know it's bad, that i'm selfish and awful.
i don't care.
i will fucking get it. i will be someones god. and if you get in my way... well...
18th of july 2020... 9:47pm...
all i ever wanted was to be loved.
29th of july 2020... 12:50pm...
i'm tired. i'm so, so tired. i just want to sleep, to forget.
bring me back my sanity.
31st of july 2020... 10:25pm...
i feel as if i'm floating upside down. i look the same, sure, but compared to everyone else there's just something a little bit off with me.
actually, when i think about it, perhaps it's maybe just something strange about everyone else.
everything is wrong. nothing feels right. i ache for normality once again.
6th of august 2020... 10:10am...
i feel the walls closing in on me. the inevitable has happened.
the thing i was staving off for so long. all of it is happening at once.
i kid myself into thinking the loss of everyone i love isn't possible, but i open up or i let myself down and i ruin everything.
i kid myself into thinking the loss of everyone is what i really want,
but what i really want is someone to tell me it's okay.
these four walls built upon bricks of hurt, misery and rejection are trapping me.
i don't know what to do.
8th of august 2020... 7:19pm...
i ache. everything fucking aches. hurt crawls it's way into every cell,
every fibre of every muscle in my body and refuses to let go.
pain seeps it's way into my bloodstream, circulating and ensuring that no matter what i do, i'll always feel it.
no matter how hard i will it away, will my feelings away, will everything i fuck up to fucking stop fuck please fucking stop it wont fucking sto p
every single fucking thing i ever do will be scrutinised and criticised and ruined and
twisted and fucked up and it wont ever fucking stop
why am i still letting it happen ??????
anything i find solace and happiness in will be destroyed and what the fuck is the point anymore
end it all end it all end it all
9th of august 2020... 7:55pm...
it hurts it hurts it hurts please fucking make it Stop
everything wrong with me i did myself i did this to myself i always do this to myself
i cant stand to see myself happy. i will never let myself be happy even if i want to.
12th of august 2020... 2:05pm...
i feel so empty. my heart and my soul both feel empty. i derive no pleasure from anything anymore.
all the colour has drained from my life, along with my purity.
i can't even feel the hurt anymore, i've become so numb. my limbs feel so heavy on my body.
i can't lift the weight of myself up anymore.
no one fits my standards. i will always be alone.
i will bury myself in my studies and in the effort of appearing normal to my peers.
i'll let it consume me, eat me up. swallow me whole until the only thing left of me is my shell. i'll be gone.
ingnite ignite ignite. ignite it all.